Now that my nose is to the grindstone, studying my ass off for the exam, i've been thinking about the prospect of being a nurse practitioner. I had a thought that perhaps this is all a fraud. Perhaps i have somehow tricked the U of M into letting me into the NP program, and i somehow fooled them into thinking that i was smart and used lies to graduate. Perhaps i'm not what the fancy degree i just attained tells me i am. Afterall, i have just adjusted to the identity of "nurse;" Now i have a new identity to adjust to, and wonder if it's all been a lie.
Afterall, i'm pretty good at lying. When i was a kid, i used to make up answers to the question "Do you remember your parents?" I told my very best friend growing up that i did remember them...until they died in a house fire. I would squint my eyes and look up, as if searching my memory and say, "I sort of remember the village i came from." I'd explain it in detail (which looked stunningly like the village in a children's korean folktale book i had), and convincingly. My lies made me a legitimate korean, because i certainly was not a white minnesotan.
And now i have this new identity to embrace, and because it doesn't feel like a fit (yet), i wonder if i have lied my way into it. Someone (or some exam) is going to bust me.
About Me
- LissyJo
- I work at a family practice clinic as a nurse practitioner part time, and have 2 young girls. I live in s mpls and enjoy exercising, keeping in touch with the goingson in my 'hood and posting my thoughts here.
What I'm Reading
What I'm Watching
4 comments:
Your desire to remember your VOA (Village of Origin - can I claim that, or do the Korean adoptees already use it?) and unconsciously motivated lies about it are not evidence the U has fallen under your spell, LissyJo.
I remember feeling like a fraud. I think we've actually talked about this, haven't we? (So why do I have to say it again, anway? Don't you listen?) New clinicians worth their salt fear they are not worth their salt. It's scary, but it also makes us think about what we're doing. Useless new clinicians know they don't need to consider or consult.
Besides, V told me yesterday how excited she is to have you start, and commented on how sharp you are. So put that in your nursie hat and smoke it.
Yeah, I can relate. Even though I have this pretentious piece of paper, countless hours of torture and study behind me, an exorbitant debt and more official papers which have my name on them -- I still have anxiety dreams where someone catches on that I'm a fraud. After all, I don't feel any different from before I became a lawyer. The only difference is the labels I can legitimately apply to myself, which affects how others see me perhaps. And since the labels still don't feel comfortable, it all feels false.
Good luck on the exam!!!
OMG, Really? V said that? Did she say anything else?
Sheesh, PTW. You really bring out that 12 year old in me, don't you?
Perhaps that's what it is, she says...all the assumptions that accompany a certain label. "Lawyer," "Therapist," "Nurse practitioner".....Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.
Hell, I claim a village of orgin and I'm not adopted... and apparently you've had more than a few confirmations as to how qualified you are so I suppose you're busy putting "that in your nursie hat and smok[ing] it"... cough cough...
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